This thing called 'Affection'

Middle Sister Confession #2
I suck at this thing called affection.
Growing up I use to watch Full House and pretend Bob Saget was my dad or that the Brady Bunch was my family. Affection always looked easy and alot of fun. I loved how at the end of the show the family hugs it out and you just get this warm and fuzzy feeling that you are loved. Sigh….
And then I remember we are not the Brady Bunch. Not even close.
My family and I don't 'hug it out' like the Brady Bunch. Nor do we sit and talk about our feelings.
I didn't realize that that could be an issue or it was 'strange' until I started having my own relationships with people who are a butterball of affection with a hug for everything and continuous affirmations of I love you’s, I miss you’s, and I feel’s about a dozen times a day...goodness gracious. Is that what I've been missing out on?? It’s exhausting for someone like me who's never had to do it.
Growing up my sisters and I just knew we were loved despite our lack of affirmations being declared everyday at every hour from our mother. But it is interesting to realize that now as adults I might be the only one of the three of us who is affection handicapped from this lack of growing up.
Watching BS with her husband and family she seems unaffected by our upbringing. Words of affection like babe, honey and I Love You’s pour out of her like a hot cup of coffee, like she’s heard it all her life...it makes me wonder, has she?? Did I really get jipped? ( My mother does play favorites with the three of us…)
And as for LS, although she is still young I can already see that she has no problems with affections. According to FB she is very comfortable being touchy feely and even giving her girl-friends smooches on the cheek. Not this Middle Sister. Nuh Uhh.
But I wish I was a butter ball of affection. I wish I could blurt out words like Babe, honey and I Love You’s to my special Beings too and give smooches on the cheeck to my girl-friends too..maybe. But I am affectionately constipated. It’s there inside me. I feel it. I want to say it. I want to hug it out but I cant. It comes out awkward. Or just never comes out at all. If only there was a laxative I can take for my affections to come out more smoothly. I sometimes worry that the people I love and care about will never know how much I really do because I am so affectionate handicap. I can cut you paper hearts and make pretty things that says I love you and I can write it in a card but I cant say it. So until they create some sort of affection laxative I am going to write it in a letter.

Love,
Middle Sister

We say Potato, Mom says...????

I've been spending more "quality" time with my mom. I shifted from working in Corporate America to working for a small business owner who answers to the title "Mom."
I've been hired and fired from this establishment more times than I can count on my fingers and toes but now I've grown to enjoy it. It's a relief and a break from the stuffiness of the corporate world and a bit comical too. So I am proud to say Cafe Espresso is now my current place of employment. Apparently I got hired without a resume because I was so impressively charming :)
This year Boss Mom brought in a new menu to Cafe Espresso offering more sandwiches and drinks. I have to say they are all truly delicious. The customers are excited and so is she. For Boss Mom making great sandwiches is easy and reputable but pronouncing it is another story.
When Boss Mom is around our Citrus Sizzle Smoothie will be chopped up to,
"Ssisle-sissle".
Unabashfully Boss Mom would yell:
"Order Number 23...SSISSLE-SSISSLE!"
A confused girl will show up with the number and my mother will ask,
"Yes what you order?"
"A CITRUS CIZZLE Smoothie..."
With a big smile Boss Mom proudly presents her smoothie replying,
"Yes- here, SISSLE-SISSLE. OK thank you."
Pico de Gallo has been referred to as,"CINCO DE MAYO"
Our delicious Carmel Machiato has been yelled out as,
"CARMEL MACCA-CATTO"
And always trying to go that extra step for her customers to guarantee satisfaction Boss Mom encouraged a customer who always orders her special Chinese Chicken Salad to don't be afraid and ask for more GARBAGE if he would like on his salad.
The look on his face is priceless.
I turned to him and whispered-"She means CABBAGE"
Boss Mom is very keen on giving great customer service but sometimes it is not always understood. But my mom has come a long way from where she began having arrive here via airplane in 1980 from Cambodia escaping the horrific Khmer Rouge. Finding herself a single mom with not much to get by with in a foreign country she did what she could, really taking what we Americans call the "Land of Opportunity" for all its got. She learned most of her English on the streets of Long Beach through conversations with people and reading menus.
In retrospect, its amazing how she doesn't speak in Slang because the streets of Long Beach isn't the most proper place for practicing English. But due to her relentless ambition to succeed here regardless what form of English she is speaking she has been able to run her own business and be her own boss. And now she is my boss...for the time being.

The Rules

In the circle of friendship between females there are RULES. Its the golden rule, the Unspoken Rule: we don't date each others' exes or any bad boy that did one of us wrong. Its considered tainted. Leftovers. Most girls understand that. Its something that need not be spoken. Once a relationship is over we all move forward and on to the next as a pack. We are loyal to one another. One of my favorite quotes that I take to heart and like to relate to all my friendships and relationships is, "never above you, never below you, always beside you"..... not maybe lingering behind you to see if maybe he's a better fit for yourself!
I had a girl-friend whom I thought knew and understood the rules. But it turns out she never got that memo. It really worries me. This friend, lets just call her Michelle just for the namesake of this story is shady like a FAKE pair of Gucci. Thank you to Facebook I discovered her lingering behind when I clicked on to see her "Labor Day weekend" photos where she was suppose to be "out of town" but somehow ended up in a familiar backyard...
Shady like a fake pair of Gucci and a Fake pair of Gucci she will only get.
And Boys will never understand this. Why I am even bothered. They think it must be more about the boy than this friend of mine to be so upset. How I still must care for this NOT so stellar guy. How I must still want him. Wrong. Very Wrong.
In contrast, I called Big Sis when I discovered this fake Gucci and she understood right away. So did my other girl-friends. A betrayal of friendship is more hurtful than a betrayal of a not so stellar guy. Plenty of fishes in the sea. But girlfriends and sisters are priceless.
Without a second thought this friendship ended and I was angry for a bit but its okay. I live my life with integrity. I realized that I can't be mad at those who choose not to do the same or have never learned how to. I can only count my own blessings and I am quite blessed because this Middle Sister has the Real Gucci's Shades...
What a coincidence :)

Prayer Etiquette?

I always wondered if it was bad to pray lying down.

I've heard stories about the power of a simple prayer. But I wonder, of the prayers that were answered, were these people laying in bed when they prayed? Because that's what I do and I don't know if my prayers are heard because this truly hasn't been a year to brag about.
My most heartfelt prayers are usually when I am lying in bed...sounds almost wrong but no, this is rated G for everyone. I hide in my bed when I'm not having a great day so that's when and where I find myself feeling the need to throw out a little prayer. But I always felt a bit guilty for not getting out of bed and doing it the "right" way or universal way which is on down on your knees. The humble way. But I am humble. I am beyond humble that I am past my knees and on my back (totally Rated G).
I know I am blessed in numerous ways but I just wonder if because I pray on my back rather than on my knees does that mean my prayers are pushed to the bottom of the pile? Or filed away under the "reply later" folder? Geez Lou-weez. These are very important questions and I wish there was a book on it so at least I know I am not offending anyone up there. But I guess all I can do is eat, drink and be merry despite it all. As long as George Micheals is in the background singing his song "Faith" to me I guess I will just keep on dancing and praying even if it sometimes feel like I'm shooting blanks. Like fishing, if I fish long enough I might eventually catch the right "fish" so if I keep praying maybe something will come through...

A piece of Cake.

Graceful might not be the best word to describe this Middle Sister. At least not when it comes to me on a bike. I can't even remember the last time I had ridden a bike. It might have been way back in the late 1980's when I just got my training wheels off and rode in circles everyday in my enclosed backyard. I have never ridden my bike beyond those enclosed gates. And now 27 years old- an adult, I cannot gracefully ride a bike in public. I am so freaked out by all the cars and people around me that there is no such thing as a stroll around the block for me. My hands are tight on the handle bar, my eyes are forward and focused. Do Not run people over and Do Not get run over. That is the ultimate goal for this 20 minute bike ride.
I am trying to be more active. More "outdoorsy." But who are we kidding? The last time I rode a bike was in the 1980's. My definition of outdoor fun is going shopping at the local farmers market or outdoor flea market and a long walk on the beach...
But I am trying to expand my horizons. Push myself to do something "edgier" plus I want to impress my new guy. I have always lived more on the cautious, timid side. Played it safe. And now I have this urge to take life by the horns! Or at least outdoors...but unfortunately the first bike ride in over 10 years with Middle Sisters new boy wasn't as graceful or pretty as I had pictured it in my head. There were a few close calls and we were only going to the grocery store to pick up some garlic for dinner. I'm not sure if he'll want to take me out in public again and I don't blame him. I wouldn't take myself out again.
Middle Sister + bike + public streets = not a good idea.
I think I should go back to my walks for the sake of my relationship and everyone else's safety. I'm gonna stick to what I do best- eating, walking, drinking wine and being a Middle Sister.

Middle Sister Confession:

I steal magazines from the doctors office and I am NOT ashamed.

I like to believe I am an honest person with great integrity. I live with high considerations as to "What Would Buddha Do?" -except for when I am at the doctors office. But I only started stealing magazines a few weeks back when LS had to go to the ER. The waiting room is a dreadful place to be and we've been to numerous doctors offices since the ER visit and paid hundreds of dollars just to see the doc. for 10 minutes. Time is money and our money was spent waiting for a doctor that was over an hour late with a very unfriendly receptionist and to top it off our fees are not even going to cover the cost of the pending surgery. So I took it upon myself to help myself to a magazine or two if its a good issue. Its the least I can do to justify the time wasted in the waiting room. Sure, I'll bring the magazine back if I remember to because I'm sure that's what Buddha would do...
But I am not the only one in the family who does this. BS is even worse. I'd say she's borderline clepto when it comes to "missing" Magazines. At least I take my time and browse the magazine and then maybe nonchalantly slip it in my large handbag that I happen to be wearing that day. With BS, she comes in and before you even blink she has done a swipe of all your magazines that she sees fit. And this isn't just limited to doctors offices either. She smoothly does this at nail salons, hair salons, my car, my purse and my house. I decided I am going to hide my magazines in my underwear drawer. She wouldn't dare go there. Little Sis on the other hand is not into magazine swiping like her older Sisters but likes to suspiciously "borrow" my clothes and strangely stores it up on the highest shelf and deep in the back...which in my opinion is an odd thing to do if she is planning on wearing it and returning it.

Jinxed?

Its been said that trying on someone's engagement ring is bad luck if you are a single women. Every girl knows of this Old Wives tale but its one superstition that no girl wants to test whether or not they believe in marriage or the superstition itself because if not marriage they at least want a chance at love. We all strive for that love that lasts forever. And as you get older how you define love and what you expect out of it changes. I remember sitting with the girls on the playground singing..."First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes (Middle Sister) with a baby carriage..." But that isn't going to happen to this Middle Sister thanks to Big Sis.
I wouldn't necessarily say I am a superstitious person in the sense that I make all my decisions based upon crazy Old Wives Tales but I will say that some of my paranoia is from these superstitions and my monk. And now 5 years later I just remembered how much against my protest Big Sis made me try on her ring. She literally pinned me down and put that darn beautiful ring on my unwed virgin finger to "see what it looks like on" me. So now reflecting back it all makes sense. All the bad dates and heartbreaks was because of Big Sis. Because she made me try on her engagement ring. Middle sister has a bad Big Sister!
Well, to be fair (partially because she reads this) I guess it's still too soon to say its all her fault. I still have time. And I did meet a very sweet guy whose is still climbing that wall but I guess only time will tell if this Old Wives tale is true...but how long shall I wait to point the finger?
Needless to say I definitely believe in marriage. I believe in that piece of paper and sealing the deal with a diamond. Screw Woman's Independence! Screw New Age philosophy on love. Give me the ring. Open my door. Buy me flowers. Thank you. What women do for their husbands or the man they love are priceless. Amen my Sisters, Amen. As jaded as some people think I am I still believe in love and still have hope even if my monks says otherwise and even if my Big Sis may have Jinxed me. Its just too bad I can't buy it with my credit card. It would be soo much easier and less time consuming. But don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining yet. I love that as Big Sis stays home and organizes her play dates, I am at my house getting ready for my hot dates :) I'd say that's a mighty great trade off.

Good Bye San Francisco...

My days are now filled with Diaper Cakes and potty breaks (And no, they are not mine).
Even if I was a Middle Sister of another mister I still wouldn't recognize myself. The days of strolling through art museums by day and wine bars and who knows what else in San Francisco by night are absolutely gone. I miss Polk street where I use to live and Union Street where I worked and all the bars, restaurants and taxis at your fingertips. I miss not having to worry about DUI's and everyone having a great time. Most of all I miss having Napa and Sonoma as my neighbors. Its been two years since I moved and I visit often but its still not the same as living there. Now being a "visitor" of San Francisco it feels like an itch I just can't quite scratch all the way. Not quite satisfying but enough for the moment.

But I am the one who decided to move back home. I decided I wanted to be with my family again. The city was getting to me. I was done having only myself to be concerned with and plus the boys suck there. I was tired and done with the party that never ends. I wanted to be Aunty T-T. I wanted an active role in my nephew's life. I missed out on most of Big Sis's wedding preparation and fun and that is one of the greatest things about having sisters, experiencing those special moments that we talk about forever- weddings and births and I missed most of it.
But I must say be careful what you wish for because I got everything I wished for and more. I did get to witness the birth of my 2nd nephew since I've moved back which was amazing BUT I now also make Diaper Cakes, have Barney and Friends on my Tivo, and I attend more baby showers and Elmo parties than I do Happy Hour. I dream of Diaper Genies where I once dreamed of Gucci and Prada.
Middle Sister and the City no more.
There are moments where I do miss being where my artsy stylish ways were appreciated. Not so much around here. Sandals and machine washable clothes are now the norm.

I left San Francisco while I still loved it. That is the only way to go. I left before it jaded me and took away all the spark I still had left for life, love and happiness because city life can do that to you if you stay too long. If I had the opportunity to move back I still might. My heart is still there as much as it is here now. The adjustment from City life to Suburban life was very hard but now looking back I have never felt more fulfilled than I do now and the ironic thing is I have less than I did before and as far as life goes and what to do next I am more in the "middle" than ever. But a good friend of mine said its much better to be in the "middle" in SoCal where the sun always shine and the beaches are around the corner than freezing cold San Francisco. Kudos to that. I love you San Francisco but I think I will stay here for awhile.

Its a Family Affair

There is no such thing as a small gathering in my family. Everything we do always includes a cousin or two or five. And words such as "Private" and "Intimate" do not exist in our vocabulary. We will always know what you did last summer or last night and even a minute ago. You can bet that even our cousin in Cambodia will know about your bowel movements and whats in your bank accounts before you do.
Our In Case of Emergency number should really be listed as a 1-800 Call My Whole Family type phone number because that's really who you will reach if God forbid anything happens to one of us. Its completely annoying most of the time but comforting when it truly is a case of emergency situation. You will never be alone in such stressful, scary cases but before you shut your eyes and say goodnight you can bet your socks that one of our cousins in Cambodia and their co-workers will hear about your colon and your past gyno exam. Why? Because they are all NOSY disguised as "caring" for your well being :)

Little Sis had to go to the emergency room due to excruciating pain in her abdomen. The good news is that Little Sis was never alone during this scary time but the bad news is she was NEVER alone even if she wanted to be because unfortunately everything IS a Family Affair. So as she answered those personal questions that doctors do love to ask you can bet your socks again that her family was there and more alert than a triple shot of espresso waiting to hear her answers (yep, now we really know what she did last summer...) The good news is that it was just her Sisters in the room and even better news is that she is gonna be fine.
The only bad news is the medical bill that will NOT be a family affair and the only time where we will be given our "personal space".

Gym Day

I saw Jesus at the gym today.

Well actually calm down Jesus fans, it was more like his modern day twin brother. He was on the elliptical doing his thing as happy as can be. It made me smile. If God was one of us...as the song goes... what would He do at the gym? (apparently the Elliptical). It would have been cool if I was running the treadmill next to Jesus because then it would have been me and Jesus running side by side in great stride :)
But I almost feel like it was a sign. Like I was doing the right thing going to the gym today (because I must confess its been awhile). That God is with me. That I better not cheat my workout and do two more crunches before I sneak out cause Jesus is in the house and he is watching!
Hmm...I wonder if his membership is free...
I am always looking for a sign. I am always believing everything is a sign. I believe seeing Jesus's modern day twin brother on the elliptical today is definitely one but I am still pondering what it could possibly be as I sip my Chardonnay...
It is 4pm and yes, this is what I do.

Middle Sister Meets Boy...

He's not a middle child but he seems to appreciate this one. Despite what my monk has said about me not having a good year I still can't help but hope that he's wrong. That maybe, just maybe there is Santa Claus. And maybe the Holy water shower is working...

He is a breathe of fresh air for me. He makes my unemployment days feel not so unemployed. He appreciates that I color outside of the lines and respects my love affair with Charles
(actually I have to confess I've been spending more time with my Napa boys lately because I find them less wine-y and more delicious)
Not many people get me and I don't think he gets me either but I love that he tries. He says he likes me. I smile at hearing that. But for how long I keep thinking? My Big Sis says that is the flaw of me dating so much. Too many bad dates and heartbreaks has got me so uptight and paranoid that apparently I have a wall up longer than the Great Wall of China. Even he thought so. Sorry China. I've climbed that wall and it is not fun. I don't want to be that girl. But for now I do hope that he has good hiking boots because I really do like him...

But since meeting this sweet boy one great thing that has come out of it if nothing else is that it has given a reason for my sisters and I to get together to do what sisters do best- assisting in selecting the perfect date outfit. On a normal day the 3 of us don't have much in common but fashion always brings us together. But as far as dating tips goes-my little sister is only beginning and my older sister is done dating so in this situation I find myself not stuck in the middle but actually on my own.

Charles

I have to confess:
In life there is no guarantee that the people who are in your life now will always be in your life or the ones you love will love you back but since meeting Mr. Shaw he has taught me to take each day with a full glass.

He is everything I could ever ask for.
Since meeting Charles my life has changed completely. There is no going back.
Charles always knows how to put a smile on my face and make a bad day go away.
He just gets me without me ever having to say a word. We share a language that only a person of a certain grape can understand.
Another great thing about Charles is that he never argues and can never really disappoint me....but if he does become unruly I can always just put a cork in it!
But the best part of all is that Charles just gets even better over time like my man George Clooney.
Meet my first love, my only love, Charles Shaw :)

Holy Water, Holy... (crap)

I am not gonna lie, this hasn't been my best year. So to much of my mother's concern for my well being and future (more like my love life) she encourages me to go see our monk and get blessed with holy water yet again. Yes, this is my 2nd time this year, 3rd time in a year and half to be exact. Third time better be the charm. My monk not only gives blessings, he also has the gift of predicting my future so of course I also learned my fate and was requested to come back next year for another blessing. Enough said.
If I was suicidal seeing my monk that day wouldn't have been a great idea. But I have to say it is funny how we came to the temple with hope and faith and left the temple sort of disappointed and wet because this time I wasn't just sprinkled with holy water, I was showered with it.
My mother really wants me to find a great man that will take care of me. I would like to meet a guy that will just love me for me. My sis thinks I am a snob because I only like one type of guy. I like my coffee with soy milk and no sugar. That's just the way it is. I'd rather be alone than settle for less. No holy water will change that. And my little sis has no opinion about the state of my love life but she is handling her own through an online fortune teller. I love her.

In a nut shell

My weekend:
I saw the movie Miss Potter (a sorta biography of the author of the childrens' book Peter Rabbit). I have decided I am Miss Potter.

I took my 3 year old nephew to the Orange County Fair. When we pulled up in the parking lot he thought we were at Disney Land. I explained that we are not but he was truly convinced I took him to Disney Land-hey whatever makes him happy. This Disney Land is much cheaper and closer. Fed him all the sugar and returned him to his mother :0)
Aunty T-T, that is me.

Spent a day in LA. Put my Interior Architecture and Design degree to work and helped a friend furnish his condo. Discovered he is my twin. Had Escorgot and Cappaccio at a fab french restaurant. Learned that beer and Escargot does not mix. Realized I am living in the wrong city. Love L.A.

Re-arranged my home office/studio again in attempt to find the right arrangement that will enable me to focus and study for the test in August. So far it hasn't work. But the room looks great. Instead I had some red wine that I opened almost a week ago on the balcony. I never let any wine go to waste. So what if it was opened a week ago? There are starving children out there! And now its Monday.

Mine & Emerson's lifes mission:

To laugh often and much;
To win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children-(well if I could consistently win the affections of my nephews then that is enough for me)
To earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends;
To appreciate beauty; To find the best in others,
To love selflessly and live spherically in many directions,
To leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition;to know even one life has breathed easier because you lived. This is to have succeeded.

Heartbreaks and Chocolate Cakes

LS came to me with her first heartbreak.
She's seen me go through them before. And they are not a pretty sight for anyone. And then I moved on to more bad dates and heartbreaks so of course to her I must have the cure. Its a hard thing to see your little sis heart broken. I just want to punch the boy that made her cry. But this time I cant just put a band aid over it and give her some bubble gum and make it all better. I had no answer. I should have the answer because I am the big sis but I didn't.But quite honestly I was surprised that she came to me. I am not that graceful with my own broken heart. I was honored in some way but I had no secret cure. Only chocolate cake and two forks.

With my first real heart break I called BS everyday crying. There was nothing she could do either. We just bashed the guy together and talked about the usual- you are lucky you got out now thing until one day it didn't hurt so much anymore. And then I discovered Charles Shaw (I was a student), chocolate cake and then a new boy :)
At least LS has two Big Sister's. I bake the cake and the other Big Sis can do the rest.

Its really easy...a cup of coffee & a boyfriend

While I prefer bad dates and heartbreaks, for BS getting boyfriends was as easy as getting a cup of coffee in the morning- actually she probably grabbed a boyfriend with her latte. Yes, its that easy. Why don't you just get a boyfriend she asks?.....
If I could just give you a kidney to have it be that easy as it was for you Big Sis, trust me, my kidney is all yours!

Her advice on dating is a bit outdated at times since she dated in the 80's and of course not really dated-just had boyfriends (cause that's what normal people do) and now that it is 2009 things have changed a bit. With the invention of automatic car door lock and unlock with a press of a button and sliding doors guys don't really feel the need to open doors anymore which leads to other things they don't feel the need to do anymore now that this "womens independence" stance has led them to try less. So BS's advice on how to get a boyfriend probably won't work in 2009 or 2010 or my entire dating life but I think she gives sound advice when I do find myself in a relationship. Advice on getting one: negative. Advice on keeping a happy one- helpful.

But I am not in one or nowhere near one. And thats not a bad thing either. Trust me.

Size 7 (stiletto) Vs. a fierce 5 1/2 (red 80's pumps)

I feel like when you are the middle child you really have to fight harder to be an individual. To be remembered as one. Growing up I wanted to be my sister so bad. I wanted BS's(Big Sis) approval in every thing I did and everyone wanted me to be something like her too. Strong, independent and smart. I'm not sure how I am doing in following her footsteps. All I know is I wear a 7 in Women's shoes and she's a petite thing of 5 1/2.

She may have small feet and a bit out dated sense of style but she has set some challenging paths with her size 5 1/2 feet dressed in red 80's pumps that I just don't know if I can live up to even if my feet is bigger and dressed in Stilettos.

I want a family and a loving husband and a house in the suburbs just like BS but I honestly fear that I don't know what I will be blessed with if any at all. For now I live vicariously in my stilettos.

Stuck in the Middle

I like to believe that being the middle child has its perks-you get to boss your little sister and still reap the benefits of being a younger sister. Expectations aren't set as high as it is for your "first" born because hey-if you screw up the second one, there is always that third precious child to make the come back and save the family name. So this is me. The middle child. I wouldn't be as harsh to myself and consider myself a screw up in any way...I am referred to as the "special" child. And Damn straight I am special!

I am the tallest of the three, a heaping 5'4". I look nothing like my two sisters and is an artist at heart (went to art school) but I don't like to limit myself to such titles as just an "artist". I am more of a Jack of All Trades..or Jack who can't decide on a trade...

I am grateful for my siblings. Even if I am stuck in the middle. Even if I feel like I have failed in some ways as a sister. My siblings have molded me into who I am: a bit quirky, very sentimental and very indecisive. What I've learned so far being a Middle Sister is that playing the role as little sister and a big sister I am constantly seeking approval from both. I want both to be happy and proud of me. And consequently I strive for that from everyone too. And more often than not at the end of the day I don't really know who I am suppose to be. All I know is that I am fiercely loyal, hate conflicts and live by the motto "Do good and good will come to you" (although I F*ing hate it sometimes) because it seems lately like all the good is sucked out of me like a thirsty newborn and all bad seems to be projecting at me like vomit as a thank you.